Did Someone Say Divorce?

*Warning, this blog is longer than my usual one’s but hopefully you read it and are able to get something from it.*

Marriage Is Quote 

Ever since I was 8yrs old, I dreamed like most little girls do of being happily married, having a beautiful home and a couple of kids. As I got older I began to watch romance movies and read romance novels. I always dreamed of having a prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet and we ride into the sunset to our little house on the hill with the white picket fence around it. I never envisioned us getting into an argument or having a disagreement about anything – I just knew and believed in my heart of hearts that we would be happily married for the rest of our lives. He happy with me and I happy with him, sounds so lovely right?

It wasn’t until I got a little older and started dating that I realized I had no idea what the so called “perfect” guy was. I mean, I didn’t have a constant male role model in my life that I could look up too to show me what a real man was and how that man was supposed to take care of a house, wife and kids. My mom was married but he was abusive and the guys she dated after that were no model citizens as they inflicted more hurt than love. So it wasn’t a surprise for me to get married to someone that had been married two times before and had two kids already (might I say one was already practically grown). When he asked me to marry him, one part of me said Yes while the other part said H**L NO!

But because we had dated for almost 2yrs, I felt that it was the right thing to do. Did I love him?, sometimes I did but most times I didn’t. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me, all the new things that I wanted  to experience for the first time in a marriage…such as having children, purchasing a home, new car and just experiencing the first years of marital bliss together was outweighed by his world of “I’ve already done that.” I married him because I thought I loved him and although I knew things weren’t on point in dating, I felt that since this was my first time being married that he would change. But that didn’t happen…..that didn’t happen at all. I will give anyone one main point that they should always remember before the walk down the aisle:

“Whoever a person is in Dating, Is exactly who they will remain in Marriage.”

If you decide to close this blog down and not read anything else beyond what was said above, I would totally understand. The thing about my marriage is that I expected him to change when the ring was placed on my finger. What I was naive to was the fact that he was and had already showed me who he was and what type of husband he was going to be but I ignored the signs and flashing lights and walked onto the tracks and got hit hard by the train. Although I knew there were going to be no changes in him; I still strived to be the best wife I could be at 23.  I read many books on marriage and even read a couple of erotica ones, I tried to lose weight and exercise whatever it took to keep him at home at night and away from  the gambling halls. But those efforts were ignored and after he decided not to change even after going to counseling. The dreaded “D” word came into play.

No one gets married to get divorced; that is not in the plan when you take vows. As you stand there smiling and looking into your future husband or wife’s eyes, anticipating on being the best partner ever. You wonder if their thoughts are in sync with yours.  When I realized that after much trying that me and my husband were headed for divorce, I was devastated. I honestly felt as if I had failed in my marriage and let my daughter (whom was 3 months old at the time) down. She needs a father in her life, what would I tell her when she gets older and asks for her dad or ask questions why we weren’t together anymore. I honestly thought that I had did something wrong, “Was I not good enough?” “Was I not pretty enough?” “Was I Not Small Enough?”

What had I done? Why did I get into this? The marriage definitely wasn’t anything like the movies or the novels that I read. I quickly realized that actors and actresses are paid to act a certain way and the novelist is a person that depicts an imaginary, magical world of expectation that doesn’t quite fit the puzzle of the real world.

I had many questions while going through and after my divorce. I felt lonely, betrayed and my self-esteem that I had worked so hard to build up to his expectations came crashing down like a snowstorm on a mountain. Overtime I realized that I wasn’t the only one that would face the “D” word and definitely wouldn’t be the last. I finally came up with this thought in which snapped me back into reality and it is:

“When you Know that You’ve done  EVERYTHING in your power to make things work and I mean EVERYTHING, then feel free to move on.

That includes counseling, trying new things and coming up with ways to improve the marriage). You shouldn’t give up on one try just because something went south or wrong) When you’ve honestly tried 100 things and all 100 failed or for some marriages it may be 20 or 50 things. What I’m saying is, make sure that you’ve given it everything you’ve got before you completely throw in the towel. And when I felt like I had given it my all? I left and the feelings that I felt afterward are my tips to anyone going through it, these are a couple of things that helped me to move forward and not backward.

Prayer Is the Key ~

I have to say, I felt crazy going to God when I went through my divorce because I didn’t consult him prior to getting married. So I have to be honest, I didn’t talk to God because I was embarrassed too. I mean after all he had given me plenty of signs prior to the marriage that, that guy wasn’t the one for me. But I took the bait and got caught up in the net. After stalling in prayer, I came to realize that God is a forgiving God and that no matter what we have done wrong, if you have the heart to reach out to him to ask for forgiveness. He will forgive you, not only that – he’ll be there waiting for you with open arms. Just as the king did to see his prodical son.

Know the Law ~

Every state is different so if you are headed down divorce highway, make sure you read the laws of separation guidelines within your state. In Arkansas, you can file for divorce the moment you decide that’s what you want to do. In NC, you have to be separated for a full year before you can file for divorce. The lawyer will ask what date you all separated and/or when they moved out the house. Whatever date that is, that will be the date (a year from now) that you can file for divorce. You have to remain separated for the full year, if they come back to stay for two months and leave then you will have to record the day that they left in which will prolong you filing.

Give Yourself Time ~

I started to put, “Don’t Date” after the dash but I know that, that varies by person. I would suggest from experience to give yourself some space and time after the split. The last thing you want to do is get mingled up with someone else and drag them into the hurt, pain and ups and downs of what you’re already going through. You really won’t know what you’re ready for until you give yourself some time. This time is for you to take a look at your situation and improve on who you are as a person. This means you’re going to have to do an inside/out job on yourself. Take time to clean out the hurt and replace it with peace, love and serenity. WARNING: This will not happen overnight.

Highs and Lows ~ Face It Head-on

When I was going through my divorce I had many high points and many low points as well. There were days where I was fine with what was going on and then there were days where I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth.  You’re going to have your high points and low ones too. On most days I woke up resentful, swearing that I would never, ever get married again and denounced relationships altogether. Bitterness and resentment will set in, so you’ll experience it all. Go through it, have your pity party – don’t sweep it under the rug to deal with it later. All those feelings need to come out now, it wouldn’t even hurt to talk with a counselor. I did and it helped me relieve a lot of stress and anger. Face It Now, rather than later.

Journal ~

If you can’t afford to see a counselor then journaling was another outlet for me that really helped alleviate stress, resentment, pain and anxiety. Its good to look back on it and see where you were and where you are currently now. It also gives you an opportunity to tweak areas in which you may still have issues with dealing with.

Healing Music ~

Music has a way of healing even the most messed up and broken situations. When I was going through my divorce I found a liberating song that I listened to everyday that helped me get out of bed and start my day. I would suggest finding a theme song for yourself. I wouldn’t suggest a song that reminds you of the person in which you are separating from. But a song that will give you strength to move forward. My song during that time was a classic by Wilson Phillips entitled “Hold On”. You’ll find your song and when you do, play it everyday until the hurt and pain you feel goes away.

Remember, Divorce is just a Detour – Not a Destination.

Here are a couple of Uplifting Quotes that will help you cope…

Quotes that will help you heal through and after Divorce.

 

For the Engaged or Newly Married – A few tips for you..

  1. Keep God First – Need I say more?, This should be a no-brainer. You have to have a good foundation and having God aboard your marriage is where it all starts. Pray with each other everyday. 5min or 10min a day will keep the devil at bay in your marriage. Not to say that he won’t try to bring things against it but if you all can build a strong prayer life…he’ll have trouble trying to break the barrier.
  2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate and Communicate some more – you’ll be surprised. Most marriages end due to a lack of communication, talk with your partner about everything of importance. Yes, there will be times where you need to be alone. But if it’s something that’s going to affect the marriage in a bad way, communicating with each other will keep everything on track.
  3. Financial Discussion – This is the number one reason why most marriages fail. If you know your soon to be hubby or wife is not great with money, then you take it over. If you are not great with it either, then I would suggest you all get a financial counselor. Talk about what’s coming in and what’s going out, make decisions together when it comes to purchasing large items. It doesn’t matter who makes the most money and it’s not “my money” or “your money” it’s “OUR MONEY” remember you all became a unit of one, so whatever you money you make is made for the both of you.
  4. Best Friends – You married or are going to marry your husband or wife for richer or poorer, sickness and health until death do you part. You are each others best friend as well as life partners. Create a bond with each other that no one will be able to break. This person will be down with you when everyone else leaves, outside of God, they should be the first person you go to, to discuss matters of importance. If you can’t count on anyone else – then you should be able to count on them.

 

Roshonda N. BlackmonCreator of JustsumInspiration, Author, Speaker & Encourager

Let’s Live Well, Laugh Loud & Love Hard!

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Feel free to comment or email us @ justsuminspiration@gmail.com

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Missed a Topic?, Check these out…

Remaining Sane In Singleness

5 Common Mistakes Women & Men Must Give Up to Have a Relationship

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Sunday’s Thought: My Dad is a ____________

There were many times in my life where that sentence line of my dad is _____________ was filled with words that I wouldn’t dare mention right now. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to grips with not being mad at the man that helped create me. (I’ll explain)…keep reading..

I never knew my dad, nor his family. I was told that he came to see me when I was three days old however; I remember seeing him for the first time at the age of nine. I finally got a chance to meet the man that I was so desperately asking to see since I was 5yrs old. What do I say? What do I do? Do I look like him? I was nervous, yet frighteningly excited and finally after what seemed like hours upon hours of excess adrenaline and anticipation, I laid eyes on the man I had longed to see. He was very tall, 6’7 I was told. Much taller than my 4ft tall height, he looked like the Jolly Green Giant over me. As he leaned back on the floor model T.V. against a stairwell, with a brown crumpled bag in his hand (in which I now know was a liquor bottle). He muttered “You know I’m your daddy right?” Stunned at his calm demeanor I quickly said “Yes.” – and that was all he said.

We ended up going to my mother’s cousins house, where he stood in the doorway of their dining room, looking at me as if he had never seen a little girl before. I head him tell several people, “She look like her mother.” as the night came to a close; he reached into his pocket, gave me $8.00 and took me home. I saw him again at the age of 14, my mother received a letter from Child Support, there was going to be a hearing and he had to be present. I begged my mother to let me go with her, just so I could see him and when I did, we locked eyes on each other and never let go. I wanted to make sure I got a good stare down of him, ; who knows when I would see him again and I was right, I never saw nor heard from him again after that day.

Because of that experience, my dad had become every nasty name known to man. How could he not keep in touch with me?, Every failed relationship that I experienced with men, I blamed him for every one of them. If he had been the dad I needed him to be, then I would know how a man is supposed to treat a woman. I became resentful, bitter and cursed the day I was born. While we can’t change whom our parents chose to date, marry or co-mingle with and no matter how much we would like to wiggle our nose like the famous “Bewitch.” – Wiggling our noses; will not change the past. Nose Wiggle - Bewitch As I grew much older; I realized, that while my dad may not have been the model dad I had wanted him to be, the best part of him and my mother getting together was me. I can’t help who my dad was or may still be but I can help who I am and whom I’ve become. Look at it this way, don’t hate the gene in which you were birthed from. Embrace it. I don’t hate my dad and really don’t care at this point in my life  why he wasn’t there for me or why he didn’t do more. I forgave him for everything he wasn’t and began to ask God to help me to love the man, I never really knew. I love my dad and if he stood before me today. I would tell him that.

You see, we can’t change the past – no matter how hard we may try. The only thing we can control is the present; which determines our destiny and future self. So, what am I really trying to say? Be the best-est version of your dad or mom. No matter what your DNA may say or dictate whom you are or are supposed to become; you were put here for purpose and to fulfill purpose. You were placed here to make the best out of the negative situation in which you may have been born under. At the end of our lives, we have to all give an account for “our” own actions whether they were good or bad. Forgive your past, including your dad or mom and let it go – they’ll have to give their own account for their mistakes. You just make sure that your heart and mind is clear about it. You may not ever understand them, but you “do” have the ability to become a better person than they might have been. We all have the ability to turn any negativity into a positive one, it’s a matter of choice.

So, the next time someone ask you about your dad or mom?, Just proudly say “My dad or mom is human, a person whom conceived their best product yet (even if they don’t know it) and that person is ME!

Sunday’s Thought: You have one life, that’s all any of us will ever get. Don’t waste it, thinking about the past and why someone didn’t do what they were supposed to do. Do you Boo…Do You and Do it Well…

 

Roshonda N. BlackmonCreator of JustsumInspiration, Author, Speaker & Encourager

Let’s Live Well, Laugh Loud & Love Hard!

 

Feel free to comment or email us @ justsuminspiration@gmail.com

For Daily Inspiration, you can follow us on one or all of the social media sites below:

Facebook:   JustsumInspiration for the Mind, Body & Soul

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JUNE IS IN FULL BLOOM! & So Are This Month’s Topics…

IS IT JUNE ALREADY?

I promise you, It seems as if it was just a week ago when I posted the topics for May. I seriously need to put forth a protest to stop these months from moving so fast. June Already?? Wow!

Well, while the months are taking wings and flying away – so are we with the topics. I really appreciate everyone for reading and engaging in the topics we’ve had thus far. We have some topics for June that I’m sure you either can probably relate too or know someone whom has been through it.

So hold on June! Self-Help topics are back again. Without further ado, here are the topics and tips we’ll be providing for you this month.

Success in Mind, Not Wealth.

success-is-about-mindset

Do you really know what Success Is? I mean the first thing I used to think of when I approached the word was fancy clothes, cars, money and overall wealth of everything good. But Success is none of those things, as it starts in the mind and is exemplified in how you use that mind of yours. I’ll break down what success truly is and how you need to shape your mind concerning success by sharing my own story and provide tips of how you can obtain success now, not later.

 

A Renter’s Nightmare: Slumlords..

RENTING-NIGHTMARES

Most people rent because they either don’t have the money to purchase the home of their dreams at the time or if they owned a home; they wouldn’t have the money to fix something should it go wrong. Renters have a responsibility but landlords do as well; so, what do you do if you have a landlord that doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do, should you still pay the rent? What are your rights as a tenant? In this post I’ll be sharing my very recent experience with this issue, talk about what I learned and give you tips if you or someone you know is having issues with their landlord.

 

Did you say Divorce?

Divorce2

If you’ve ever been married and suffered through a divorce or have been separated and in the process of a divorce, then you know it’s not an easy road. No one ever thinks of the “D” word when they get engaged and eventually get married. The hope is to stay married for ever and ever and ever, unfortunately this dream doesn’t happen for everyone. In this post I’ll talk about my divorce and offer tips on how I got through it. Let’s face it, Divorce does happen and it can leave you in a rut (mentally, spiritually and physically) but you don’t have to let Divorce rule you, when you have the power to overcome it.

 

$20.00 or Less Lunch Week.

Lunch Budget

It may not seem like it to some people that actually know me, but I love a good bargain and I love to eat. So, when it comes to having lunch at work – I don’t have money to go out and grab something at the local fast food chain. Sometimes, all I have is 10.00 for the whole week for lunch and you know (depending on where you go), you can spend that and then some in one sitting. In this post I’ll show you how I get lunch for the whole week off of less than 20.00 and what I look for when I go to the grocery store to keep the cost low.

So stay tuned and be on the lookout every Thursday this month for a new topic. Feel free to comment, share, like or send us a message here at justsuminspiration@gmail.com. Justsuminspiration is geared toward helping you to live better and wiser, laugh louder and love harder. We don’t want you to just be Inspired but to Live an Inspired Life!

 

Sincerely Yours,

Roshonda N. Blackmon – Creator of JustsumInspiration, Author, Speaker & Encourager

MAY! I Interest You in a Few Topics?

MAY IS HERE AND THE HOT TOPICS ARE TOO!!

Whoop Whoop

Doesn’t it seem as though April just came in like a whirlwind and left without even saying “Goodbye?” It came and went so fast, I feel as if I got whiplash….Oh April, April where didst thou Go?? Well, as we say Bon-Voyage to April – We have now greeted May whom seemed to have just popped into our lives from no where.

But, the good thing is at least the sun is shining, the weather is getting back to normal and everyone seems to be enjoying that. Speaking of enjoying, Self-Help April’s Blog Posts gained such a success in readership, that I thought I would drive that train right on into May. So, starting next Thursday 5/11/17 and every Thursday morning after that, I’ll be posting more topics and tips. Since no post will be posted this week, the last post will be posted on Sunday 5/28/17.

So, as we pray that May slows down enough for us to catch our breath – Take a Peek Below at the topics we will be discussing during the month!

HeresWhatsHappening

TOPIC FOR 5/11/17: WHOSE CREDIT?, THAT’S NOT MY CREDIT!

credit-score

I have always been afraid and or avoided looking at my credit score, that senseless act has not helped my situation but has worsened it over the years. In this post, I’ll help you get out of denial with reviewing your own score and face the truths in reviewing your own credit report. I’ll also give links to sites that can help you manage your score.

 

TOPIC FOR 5/18/17: OH SNAP!, LOOK WHO’S A LEADER…

Superhero-Leader-JPG

Not many of us like to take the lead, but did you know that we were all born to lead in some capacity or another. A Leader is not characterized by how you look but in how you act. I’ll share my experiences on leadership and offer you tips to be the best leader, you can be.

 

 

 

TOPIC FOR 5/25/17: TRUSTING YOUR HEAD, GUT OR YOUR HEART

Head-Heart-Gut

Sometimes its hard to distinguish which body part is saying what; especially when it comes to our emotions. We don’t know if our heart, head or gut is leading us in the right direction. We’ll discuss tips on this subject and how to distinguish one from the other.

 

 

 

TOPIC FOR 5/28/17: KEEPING GOD AT THE “BAE” LEVEL

Bae

Who is your #1 BAE right now?, But, what does BAE even mean? Well, if your BAE is anyone else other than God then we might need to switch some things around. We’ll discuss what the word really means and give tips on how to keep your true BAE First, no matter whom you’re rolling with at the moment!

 

 

 

 

So Here We Go Again! Come back each Thursday and see the full post, get tips and suggestions. Feel free to share any post, comment, like and subscribe.

 

LET’S LIVE, WALK & BE INSPIRED TOGETHER!!!