Remaining “SANE” in Singleness

I’ve often heard the phrase that there are at least 10 women to 1 man. Not only does this put the man at a great advantage having a good selection of women to choose from, but he has quite a few women he could possibly date, and all of them if he really wanted to.

But what about us women? The same ratio that proves to be so strong in the top paragraph for a man is a cat fight for a woman trying to get that one man to notice her. It’s sort of like those bachelor and/or bachelorette shows on T.V. where 30 or so women and men are desperately dying to get that one man or woman’s attention. The kicker is that he or she can only pick one, which leaves everyone else’s dreams of finding the ‘Perfect Guy or Girl’ shattered because now they have to attempt to find happiness and love elsewhere. Starting over again is a process that can drive you truly insane if you let it. Woman-Pulling-Hair-out

Let’s face it, we live in a world where if you haven’t gotten married, had a baby, or even had a guy during a particular holiday season or by a certain age; then society says “There’s something wrong with you” It’s even worse when your family members are constantly asking if you’re dating anyone. All of these issues will drive you insane while living the single life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find Mr. or Mrs.’s Right but if you rush it because of outside pressures from family, friends or society, then 9 times out of 10, you’re going to settle.

Here are a couple of things that you can do for yourself so you can stay sane in the midst of your season of singleness.

Tip #1   The Happiness Effect:

The world tells and/or has a way of showing us what happiness is from it’s perspective, most times it’s involving money, fame, relationships or popularity. But true happiness is not defined by what you have or don’t have; it’s defined by how you feel about yourself. What’s going on in your current world right now; what are your feelings about your life and where you mentally at this time? You may say, “Well that has nothing to do with anything” – But it has a lot to do with everything. Happiness attracts the right kind of people or things into your life. If you’re not happy, then you’re subject to attract whatever debris that washes up on the ocean front. I posted a quote on FB this week that says “If You Aren’t Happy being Single, You will never be Happy in a relationship – Get your own Life First, Then Share It. Just like a person whom doesn’t want to enter a dirty house that looks like every hurricane imaginable rummaged through it. It’s the same with a relationship, no one wants to enter a mess that was already in place……they want to enter into peace and tranquility but you must create that environment first, as it will not be created once you get into a relationship.

 

You don’t go into relationships to find Happiness, Happiness occurs before the relationship says “Hello” – R. Blackmon

 

Tip #2   Who Are You?

Do you know who you are? Most women or men get into relationships expecting it to complete and satisfy them; it’s sad to say, but most men and women enter into relationships as “broken pieces” whom expect the other to help heal and piece them together again. We tend to think “I’ll be okay, this relationship will make things alright, or I’ll be even happier if I was in a relationship. Getting to know who you are FIRST! will reveal things about yourself that you might didn’t even know. Once you discover who you truly are – then you’ll be able to identify those characteristics in a mate and determine whom you truly want to be with. You can’t know them, if you don’t know yourself.

Tip #3   Don’t allow your feelings to drive you to do something you’ll regret.

I’ve been on quite a few dating sites and if I can be honest, they’re all pretty much the same – you may have good intentions but everyone doesn’t follow that rule. Anyone can be whomever they wish or like to be on those sites. Singleness can cause us to do drastic things that lead to disastrous results. While some people have had good results; they don’t work for everyone, so be careful and don’t allow your lonely situation to kick you out of the drivers seat of your own life. Control It!

Tip #4   Focus on other things, instead of obsessing over it.

When you’re constantly looking for something, you never tend to find it but when you calm down and forget about it, then that’s when it seems to pop up out of nowhere. The same applies to singleness; when you stop looking for Mr. or Ms.’s Right and let it happen naturally, the unexpected miraculously happens out of the blue.

 

Good things not only comes to those who wait, but to those who least EXPECT IT! – R. Blackmon

 

Tip #5   Have you asked GOD Yet??

Have you consulted God about “Why you are Single?” – Okay, so before you decide to shut the page down and click the “x” sign, let me explain. This is a process that NO ONE wants to even ask God, because they’re afraid of the outcome or what he might say. “So, Lord? You want me to stay single for 5 more years?????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Consulting God is best because he knows the true reason as to why you’re still alone. This answer is different and can be difficult for each individual. But I promise, if you consult God – then you’ll know what you need to work on in which could make Mr. or Ms. Right for  You come quicker. It’s almost like looking at your credit score, no one wants to face it but when you do, you realize that it wasn’t as bad as you thought and it’s a sort of a blueprint to help you get the things your truly desire. If you never work on it then you’ll never know what you could actually have.

Singleness is a crazy world all by itself; but you don’t have to lose your sanity during it. Remember, Singleness is not a death sentence and it doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold. Instead, it’s an opportunity for you to get in the driver’s seat and shape your own singleness destiny and let life handle the rest you might be really surprised at what it brings your way.

Stay Sane

Being A Friend To Have Friends

You’ve heard the saying, “Life can give you Lemons” and that is very true; but what happens when you need to turn those lemons into lemonade and have no one there to help you do it. That’s where a true friend comes in at to help us navigate through life’s hits, boomerangs and punches. Finding a friend that you can relate too can be difficult and while this isn’t an easy feat, due to our different personalities, backgrounds, hurts, habits or hang-ups we all need someone to lean on when life throws us curve balls.

I never had friends growing up; I could remember maybe one or two in 5th or 6th grade but otherwise, I was mainly a loner. I wanted to hang with the popular kids, but wasn’t popular enough. I wanted to hang with the smart kids, but wasn’t smart enough. I wanted to hang with the pretty girls, but wasn’t pretty enough. Everywhere I looked; I wasn’t enough for anyone – not even the kids whom were just like me; thing is, they had at least one friend. I didn’t have any.

So I put up a wall which lead to resistance and anger. As I got older I began to acquire friends but noticed my attitude towards them was mean, harsh and downright rude. When they wanted to hang-out, I always found a way to bail out and when they wanted to talk; I found a way to dismiss them. What had I become? The girl who couldn’t get a friend because of how I looked and etc. was now the bully in a friendship. I treated those friends exactly how I had been treated. Past hurts and the negativity that stemmed from it was keeping me from obtaining the friendships I had once desired. So, if you truly desire to have friends or become friendlier, then listed below are four tips which will help you get over the hurdle of unfriendliness?

Tip #1: Forget the Past

Forget the Past

Most of the times the reason why we can’t move forward in life or relationships is because we are still stuck in the Past, thinking about what happened before or who did what and why only keeps you in a ‘negative’ state of mind. If you truly want to move forward you have to forgive your past and the people in it.

Tip #2: Tell Hurt – Goodbye!

Charlie Brown Goodbye

Another thing that keeps us in the past old wounds or previous HURT; that word alone keeps us from opening up to other experiences – I’ve heard people say ‘Once Hurt, Always Hurt’ and they hold on to that mantra throughout every relationship. Remember, hurt is an enemy and as long as you hold on to it, it will hold on to you.

Tip #3: Open up the Doors of your Heart

Open Heart

Once you decide to move forward, then you have to open up your heart again; this is not easy but it paves the way for new things to enter and old things to exit.

 Tip #4: At Least Try

try try again banner

Before you decide that you don’t want to deal with the anxieties of opening up to something new, at least give it a try. As the saying says, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, Try and Try Again! Sometimes the third, sixth or eighth time can truly be a charm.

The Bible says “A man who has friends must himself be friendly” (Prov. 18:24 NKJV); Starting today, determine to let go of whatever hurts you’re holding onto from the past and choose to be the kind of friend that you’d always wanted or desired for yourself, for someone else. I promise you’ll be glad you did and as you begin to open up – you’ll begin to see your life shape into something beautiful, something great and something positive. But only if you open up and allow it to seek new possibilities and relationships.

Elephant and Dog

Because Everyone Needs a Friend…

All Photo's Courtesy of Bing 

 

5 Common Mistakes Women Must Give Up, To Get the Man of Thier Dreams

Relationships are hard work alone & Dating with all of its rules, guidelines and catch phrases is another monster, all it’s own. So, how do you obtain a good relationship, less known get a date?, I mean what is it that you could be saying or doing that seems to not be attracting the right person. If you’re wondering if your looks or appearance could be the reason, think again! Most dating mistakes happen the moment we open our mouths, Yes! our mouth could be the very reason most of us, Fall short in Dating and Fail at Relationships.

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In my early dating stages, I can tell you – I was a wreck and my mouth posed to be an even bigger risk. I felt as if I had to tell a guy everything about me, my past, my future, my expectations along with my goals, dreams, fears, hurts, habits and hang-ups and this was just on the phone; we hadn’t even gotten to the first date yet. I used to wonder why I would either never get a call back or if they did call back, it wasn’t talks of going out on a date, it was because they were bored and I just seemed to be tfish and hookhe person they either wanted to vent too or just talk too. Yes, I was a good friend; but not a good partner for a relationship. I even had one guy to tell me that I reminded him of his grandmother – LIKE, REALLY???, I had to take a good look in the mirror on that one – was it my words of wisdom that had him traumatized?, whatever it was; it  didn’t garner a date and then again, I don’t think I would have wanted one with him after that comment. I also had an issue with not totally being myself; I tried to fix myself up to be whom I felt like the guy wanted me to be, I lost weight; dyed my hair; bought creams to make my skin lighter and even wore hair extensions to obtain a longer length of hair and I’m not going to even talk about other crazy things I would do and/or did just to obtain a guy’s attention….Trust me, as I’ve gotten older, those things weren’t worth my sanity nor time. I never fully let my hair down to be me, because I was trying to be with them. Over time of not “catching too many fish on the hook” I realized that there was one thing that was holding me back from getting a chance of having a date;  outside of not being myself,  I realized that MY MOUTH! was the ultimate hammer that nailed the coffin shut.  Yes, here I was talking marriage, babies, future and goals to someone whom I didn’t even get a chance to see if they were that interested in me or not; however, they knew I wasn’t’ the one for them.  So as a woman who was in limbo with dating, those experiences have garnered me to write out a couple of mistakes I made and that you may be making too. So, let’s get started with a couple of Do’s and Don’t s:

Dating TipsTip #1:  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THYSELF: I underlined & capitalized this for a reason. Please ladies, let’s show love to ourselves first. Love your curves, your mind, your choices. Just love you. I can’t tell you how many times, I jumped into a relationship looking for love but didn’t love myself. When you love you, then you take the pressure off of a guy having to force himself to love you back. When you love you – then everyone else will love you too and even if they don’t; guess what! Who Cares! because you love you and that’s the first and only thing that matters anyway.

Tip#2: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself:  Yes, that was a popular song in the 90’s but it’s even popular for us ladies. Listen to your gut, we know if we’re really ready for a relationship or not. Most of us still need a little fixing on the inside of us first before we are able to invite someone else in. If you have low-self esteem or are not comfortable with your weight, then I would suggest you try to fix those things  before entering into a relationship. Men like confident women and if you’re not displaying that, then the relationship will plummet before it takes off the runway.

Tip#3: No Need To Pack The Bags: When you’re on a date or before you even go on a date determine to leave the bags of the past in the past. A guy doesn’t need to know that you were once depressed, was suicidal, was married (unless it’s a topic of discussion) he doesn’t need to know about baby daddies and all those issues. Shh!, Keep those things to yourself (at least until you feel like the relationship is going somewhere after you’ve had enough dates with the person) A first date should be about you, career goals and aspirations. Not Drama! So keep that bag at home.

Tip#4: Knight In Shining Armor…Not!: Okay, so sometimes we ladies tend to get a little movie struck. We sometimes look at how relationships are played out in a movie and desire for that to happen in our own lives, let’s get real. It’s a Movie with actor and actresses whom are or were paid to act that way. They were reading a script. Just because the guy comes in with a cane, doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or just because he doesn’t look like your favorite actor, doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. Give everyone an opportunity. They just may surprise you.

Tip #5: Keep The Cookie In The Cookie Jar: Make sure your hormones are in check before you go on a date. There’s a number of people whom have sex on the first date and what’s even more common is the fact that it’s unprotected. Let a guy fall for your mind first, not what’s in your pants. Building a relationship based off of sex; usually does not last. When sex supersedes a conversation and becomes your first foundation; it’s hard to get back on track with a good convo. So keep the cookie under lock and key. Whatever decision you make regarding the individual you want to make sure it’s based on true emotion and not a sexual one in which could cloud your judgment immensely concerning the person, especially if he has a lot of red flags that require your full undivided attention.

And guys, I didn’t forget about you – the same effort you put into getting the “cookie” can also be the same effort you put into having a good, healthy relationship. Here are some tips for you to look over in order to get the Woman of your dreams and keep her long enough than a one-night stand: 5 Things Men Must Give Up, To Be With the Right Woman!

Do you have any dating tips you would like to share? List them in the comments so we can get a conversation going.

Rejection Sucks! But Life Doesn’t Have Too.

Rejection is one of the most devastating things that anyone can deal with. As a people when we are rejected; we tend to immediately shut down from life all together, it’s almost as if someone has handed us a death sentence and sentenced us to die – right there on the spot. And if we’re not careful, we’ll carry out that sentence by killing everything that comes within our path – we’ll put a torch to our dreams, goals and aspirations with one match.

While rejection is a hard pill to swallow, it doesn’t have to be your death sentence. Let’s face it, everyone is not going to like everything we do or say, they’re not going to like everything you wear, your opinion, your thoughts on common life issues and so forth. They’re not going to like the way you look or even your personality. People have a tendency to reject the things that they aren’t familiar with or the things that they don’t understand or have knowledge of basically due to maybe how they were raised, their own rejections or how they perceive certain things; they then take that analysis and use it to belittle and/or be demeaning to others whom either don’t think, look or act like they do.

I’ve had my share of rejection in life and it hurts, it hurts really bad because basically we take rejection as saying “We’re not Good Enough” – I have been rejected from getting certain jobs and/or positions, I’ve been rejected for how I look, the way I think, my see the glass half-full mentality, the way I dress, wear my hair. I’ve even been rejected because I have a good personality and get along with a variety of people. And if I had listened to those rejectors, I wouldn’t be here today because I would have allowed them to dictate my every move, including my dreams, aspirations and future.

Just because you’ve been rejected, don’t mean you have to go through life living that way. It took me a while to get over rejection; however, I began to read the word of God – there I was able to see and read what God thought of me (He said in Psalms 139:14) that I was fearfully and wonderfully made and his works were marvelous because he CREATED ME! (think about that). I also begin to hang around positive minded people, because we really are susceptible to our environment. I realized that it wasn’t anything wrong with me, after-all; the world would be a very boring place if everyone was exactly the same – right? Why FIT IN, when you were born to STAND OUT!rejection-success

Remember these 5 tips, the next time Rejection comes a knocking at your door:

  1. Rejection is a part of Life that everyone experiences – no exceptions. 
  2. Rejection doesn’t like “Positivity” so surround yourself with positive minded people. 
  3. Rejection isn’t always “Bad”, sometimes rejection is a good thing. If you allow it, it can help us change our focus on the problem and focus on a solution.
  4. Move Forward – Rejection will happen and when it does, don’t allow it to stop you from enjoying life. Rejection is just a bump in the road; not an End to Life.
  5. Just be yourself – There’s no one in the world like you and there never will be, so make the best of who you are and give rejection a kick in the butt. Because you’re here to stay! & with that mindset? you’ll continue to be undefeated by the “R” word and it’s many tactics.

Remember, Rejection doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, it just means that you hit a bump in the road – and as long as we live and breathe; we definitely will hit many bumps and curves. Keep in mind that Rejection, while hurtful could be God’s way of saying “Wrong Direction”  If you learn to change your focus even towards rejection, you can and will change your LIFE towards how you allow “the R word” to rule it!

Don’t allow rejection to cause you to jump out of the plane without  a parachute – You have control of your own life just make sure your parachute is packed for safe landing. 

Do you have a story about Rejection and how you handled it? Tell us about it, it may just appear in a blog post (with your permission of course).