Tag: relationships

A Comfortable PAST = A Dim Future…

Published on by Roshonda BLeave a comment
Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.
Quote taken from frankiejohn.blogspot.com

I have to be honest with you; I’m a failure at leaving the PAST alone. For some reason and I’ll explain why shortly, I always find myself going backwards instead of forwards. I mean, my mind says go forward all day long, but my body definitely has its own agenda and mindset. What is it about our past that keeps us stuck in the same place? I tell you what it is, it’s Comfortable. Sort of like that good ole’ soul food mama used to cook every Sunday. It’s a comfort that just feels good to your mind, body and soul.

But there are quite a few things from our past that aren’t good for the mind, body nor soul and that’s when the ghosts of times past haunt you down, grab you and don’t let go…but, you have control over this; control that I had never exercised until this past Sunday. It’s a shame how certain circumstances present themselves as “Wake up Calls” – in your life.  Me and my Past were the best of friends and I always felt comfortable  because it felt so good; I knew my way around every corner and nothing ever came as a surprise because I knew what was going on: I was in control of that destiny and to be honest? I liked it that way, having control of what would and would not happen.

When it came to relationships – whether friendships or personal ones; if they ended really badly, I would be sad about it, but I would move forward. Months or even a year or two after the air cleared, the door to that relationship would open up again and guess who always went back through the door…..ME! During this time, things would always seem good at first; but then it’s like old patterns would start to take shape again and I found myself getting frustrated by the whole scenario. Sometimes when things are over, they are meant to be over…FOR GOOD!

My “PAST” downfalls were always falling prey to old “boyfriend” relationships – It’s funny because when you’re in a relationship with someone it seems like they never understand or see how great you are or how much they need you until you’re gone. It seemed as though when they weren’t satisfied with “the woman” they were with, then I would get the call, the text, the email or the social media message of “Hey, I miss you” usually this always happens when I’ve come to grips with being single and satisfied. But instead of shewing them off, I entertain their conversations of “I miss you” and “You know you were the one that got away” or “I would do anything for you” and this was my favorite one, “Hey, you remember when we did?” They would always bring up things from the past, things that I could relate to and suddenly I would find myself thinking “Did God make a mistake?” That’s what happened to me this past Sunday, I realized that I had let my past come back to haunt me and I became all caught up in the game. The thing about this game was that it had been in half-time mode and there was no clock that ticked down to make it start again. It was just stuck in the same place…this game is known as “The Past”

past mistakes

The thing about the past is this, it never talks about the present nor the future; the only thing it knows and always speak of are past things, past situations, past occurrences, past mistakes, past hurts, past memories, past fun, past good times, past sorrows…get my drift? No matter how much they mention the present or the future; it’s short lived because the only conversation that’s in their vocabulary is…..THE PAST. It wasn’t until one of those past relationships went seriously wrong on Sunday that I realized, that’s why they call the past the past. Once I went into my contacts to delete them permanently,  I suddenly realized that I had every person from my PAST in there. Every guy that hurt me, whether the relationship ended in chaos or even without a proper good-bye I still had contact with them and talked with them on occasion. Why was I doing this?

No wonder I couldn’t move on to the future because I had stopped by the wayside of Times Past Highway to pick up old weeds and shrubs along the way; loosing focus on someone or something that doesn’t have the power to push you forward is a total loss and shame to you and your beautiful destiny. Let me tell you, if that person or thing was a part of God’s will to be in your life or on your path, do you actually think they wouldn’t have been? God is not the type of person that says “Oops! You know – I was actually meaning for you to get with that person or the one to say; Aww!! Man; my bad. I didn’t mean for them to get married to that person but to you.” As funny as this might sound, we have to trust that when God removes someone out of our lives; it doesn’t mean that, that person is bad – it just means their time in your life is up. But if we keep allowing them to feed us the past, we will never get a chance to see who we really are, what the future really holds for us or the wonderful person we’re really supposed to be with.

Sunday, I got rid of all the Ghosts of Times Past, their numbers – email addresses, text messages and social media feeds, I even went as far as changing my number. Because when you’re done with the past, you need to make the necessary changes to get rid of it; while this was a hard thing to do, I knew within my heart of hearts, it had to happen. I now realize that I was the one keeping me back from true happiness and a destiny filled with unknown surprises and I want to experience and see what the future has in store. I can’t change the past, nor the mistakes, pitfalls, slip-ups or regrets that I made concerning it, but I can forgive myself and move forward and not invite anything from the past into my future.

Dealing with my past relationships, made me also realize that I never really gave myself a chance to be wonderful, I was so used to going backwards and giving myself up to has beens, until I felt like that was all I had to offer. Now I’ve chosen the path of love, self-care and reflection. Who am I? And What am I? – Well, I’m still really unsure, but I’ve packed my bags and boarding the flight to self-discovery to hunt for who I’ve not yet become and I’m going to make it happen. I don’t know what you’re holding on to today in your past but I say LET IT GO! Your future desires your full attention and if you give it a shot – you’ll be surprised at some of the amazing things it has in store for you; but only after you let GO of the Ghost of times PAST first.

The Past4

 

Roshonda N. Blackmon – Creator of JustsumInspiration, Author, Speaker & Encourager

Let’s Live Well, Laugh Loud & Love Hard!

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Did Someone Say Divorce?

Published on by Roshonda B3 Comments
*Warning, this blog is longer than my usual one’s but hopefully you read it and are able to get something from it.*

Marriage Is Quote 

Ever since I was 8yrs old, I dreamed like most little girls do of being happily married, having a beautiful home and a couple of kids. As I got older I began to watch romance movies and read romance novels. I always dreamed of having a prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet and we ride into the sunset to our little house on the hill with the white picket fence around it. I never envisioned us getting into an argument or having a disagreement about anything – I just knew and believed in my heart of hearts that we would be happily married for the rest of our lives. He happy with me and I happy with him, sounds so lovely right?

It wasn’t until I got a little older and started dating that I realized I had no idea what the so called “perfect” guy was. I mean, I didn’t have a constant male role model in my life that I could look up too to show me what a real man was and how that man was supposed to take care of a house, wife and kids. My mom was married but he was abusive and the guys she dated after that were no model citizens as they inflicted more hurt than love. So it wasn’t a surprise for me to get married to someone that had been married two times before and had two kids already (might I say one was already practically grown). When he asked me to marry him, one part of me said Yes while the other part said H**L NO!

But because we had dated for almost 2yrs, I felt that it was the right thing to do. Did I love him?, sometimes I did but most times I didn’t. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me, all the new things that I wanted  to experience for the first time in a marriage…such as having children, purchasing a home, new car and just experiencing the first years of marital bliss together was outweighed by his world of “I’ve already done that.” I married him because I thought I loved him and although I knew things weren’t on point in dating, I felt that since this was my first time being married that he would change. But that didn’t happen…..that didn’t happen at all. I will give anyone one main point that they should always remember before the walk down the aisle:

“Whoever a person is in Dating, Is exactly who they will remain in Marriage.”

If you decide to close this blog down and not read anything else beyond what was said above, I would totally understand. The thing about my marriage is that I expected him to change when the ring was placed on my finger. What I was naive to was the fact that he was and had already showed me who he was and what type of husband he was going to be but I ignored the signs and flashing lights and walked onto the tracks and got hit hard by the train. Although I knew there were going to be no changes in him; I still strived to be the best wife I could be at 23.  I read many books on marriage and even read a couple of erotica ones, I tried to lose weight and exercise whatever it took to keep him at home at night and away from  the gambling halls. But those efforts were ignored and after he decided not to change even after going to counseling. The dreaded “D” word came into play.

No one gets married to get divorced; that is not in the plan when you take vows. As you stand there smiling and looking into your future husband or wife’s eyes, anticipating on being the best partner ever. You wonder if their thoughts are in sync with yours.  When I realized that after much trying that me and my husband were headed for divorce, I was devastated. I honestly felt as if I had failed in my marriage and let my daughter (whom was 3 months old at the time) down. She needs a father in her life, what would I tell her when she gets older and asks for her dad or ask questions why we weren’t together anymore. I honestly thought that I had did something wrong, “Was I not good enough?” “Was I not pretty enough?” “Was I Not Small Enough?”

What had I done? Why did I get into this? The marriage definitely wasn’t anything like the movies or the novels that I read. I quickly realized that actors and actresses are paid to act a certain way and the novelist is a person that depicts an imaginary, magical world of expectation that doesn’t quite fit the puzzle of the real world.

I had many questions while going through and after my divorce. I felt lonely, betrayed and my self-esteem that I had worked so hard to build up to his expectations came crashing down like a snowstorm on a mountain. Overtime I realized that I wasn’t the only one that would face the “D” word and definitely wouldn’t be the last. I finally came up with this thought in which snapped me back into reality and it is:

“When you Know that You’ve done  EVERYTHING in your power to make things work and I mean EVERYTHING, then feel free to move on.

That includes counseling, trying new things and coming up with ways to improve the marriage). You shouldn’t give up on one try just because something went south or wrong) When you’ve honestly tried 100 things and all 100 failed or for some marriages it may be 20 or 50 things. What I’m saying is, make sure that you’ve given it everything you’ve got before you completely throw in the towel. And when I felt like I had given it my all? I left and the feelings that I felt afterward are my tips to anyone going through it, these are a couple of things that helped me to move forward and not backward.

Prayer Is the Key ~

I have to say, I felt crazy going to God when I went through my divorce because I didn’t consult him prior to getting married. So I have to be honest, I didn’t talk to God because I was embarrassed too. I mean after all he had given me plenty of signs prior to the marriage that, that guy wasn’t the one for me. But I took the bait and got caught up in the net. After stalling in prayer, I came to realize that God is a forgiving God and that no matter what we have done wrong, if you have the heart to reach out to him to ask for forgiveness. He will forgive you, not only that – he’ll be there waiting for you with open arms. Just as the king did to see his prodical son.

Know the Law ~

Every state is different so if you are headed down divorce highway, make sure you read the laws of separation guidelines within your state. In Arkansas, you can file for divorce the moment you decide that’s what you want to do. In NC, you have to be separated for a full year before you can file for divorce. The lawyer will ask what date you all separated and/or when they moved out the house. Whatever date that is, that will be the date (a year from now) that you can file for divorce. You have to remain separated for the full year, if they come back to stay for two months and leave then you will have to record the day that they left in which will prolong you filing.

Give Yourself Time ~

I started to put, “Don’t Date” after the dash but I know that, that varies by person. I would suggest from experience to give yourself some space and time after the split. The last thing you want to do is get mingled up with someone else and drag them into the hurt, pain and ups and downs of what you’re already going through. You really won’t know what you’re ready for until you give yourself some time. This time is for you to take a look at your situation and improve on who you are as a person. This means you’re going to have to do an inside/out job on yourself. Take time to clean out the hurt and replace it with peace, love and serenity. WARNING: This will not happen overnight.

Highs and Lows ~ Face It Head-on

When I was going through my divorce I had many high points and many low points as well. There were days where I was fine with what was going on and then there were days where I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth.  You’re going to have your high points and low ones too. On most days I woke up resentful, swearing that I would never, ever get married again and denounced relationships altogether. Bitterness and resentment will set in, so you’ll experience it all. Go through it, have your pity party – don’t sweep it under the rug to deal with it later. All those feelings need to come out now, it wouldn’t even hurt to talk with a counselor. I did and it helped me relieve a lot of stress and anger. Face It Now, rather than later.

Journal ~

If you can’t afford to see a counselor then journaling was another outlet for me that really helped alleviate stress, resentment, pain and anxiety. Its good to look back on it and see where you were and where you are currently now. It also gives you an opportunity to tweak areas in which you may still have issues with dealing with.

Healing Music ~

Music has a way of healing even the most messed up and broken situations. When I was going through my divorce I found a liberating song that I listened to everyday that helped me get out of bed and start my day. I would suggest finding a theme song for yourself. I wouldn’t suggest a song that reminds you of the person in which you are separating from. But a song that will give you strength to move forward. My song during that time was a classic by Wilson Phillips entitled “Hold On”. You’ll find your song and when you do, play it everyday until the hurt and pain you feel goes away.

Remember, Divorce is just a Detour – Not a Destination.

Here are a couple of Uplifting Quotes that will help you cope…

Quotes that will help you heal through and after Divorce.

 

For the Engaged or Newly Married – A few tips for you..

  1. Keep God First – Need I say more?, This should be a no-brainer. You have to have a good foundation and having God aboard your marriage is where it all starts. Pray with each other everyday. 5min or 10min a day will keep the devil at bay in your marriage. Not to say that he won’t try to bring things against it but if you all can build a strong prayer life…he’ll have trouble trying to break the barrier.
  2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate and Communicate some more – you’ll be surprised. Most marriages end due to a lack of communication, talk with your partner about everything of importance. Yes, there will be times where you need to be alone. But if it’s something that’s going to affect the marriage in a bad way, communicating with each other will keep everything on track.
  3. Financial Discussion – This is the number one reason why most marriages fail. If you know your soon to be hubby or wife is not great with money, then you take it over. If you are not great with it either, then I would suggest you all get a financial counselor. Talk about what’s coming in and what’s going out, make decisions together when it comes to purchasing large items. It doesn’t matter who makes the most money and it’s not “my money” or “your money” it’s “OUR MONEY” remember you all became a unit of one, so whatever you money you make is made for the both of you.
  4. Best Friends – You married or are going to marry your husband or wife for richer or poorer, sickness and health until death do you part. You are each others best friend as well as life partners. Create a bond with each other that no one will be able to break. This person will be down with you when everyone else leaves, outside of God, they should be the first person you go to, to discuss matters of importance. If you can’t count on anyone else – then you should be able to count on them.

 

Roshonda N. Blackmon – Creator of JustsumInspiration, Author, Speaker & Encourager

Let’s Live Well, Laugh Loud & Love Hard!

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Feel free to comment or email us @ justsuminspiration@gmail.com

For Daily Inspiration, you can follow us on one or all of the social media sites below:

Facebook:   JustsumInspiration for the Mind, Body & Soul

Instagram: justsuminspiration2u

Twitter:      jus2inspireu

 

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Remaining Sane In Singleness

5 Common Mistakes Women & Men Must Give Up to Have a Relationship

5 Common Mistakes Women Must Give Up, To Get the Man of Thier Dreams

Published on by Roshonda B3 Comments

Relationships are hard work alone & Dating with all of its rules, guidelines and catch phrases is another monster, all it’s own. So, how do you obtain a good relationship, less known get a date?, I mean what is it that you could be saying or doing that seems to not be attracting the right person. If you’re wondering if your looks or appearance could be the reason, think again! Most dating mistakes happen the moment we open our mouths, Yes! our mouth could be the very reason most of us, Fall short in Dating and Fail at Relationships.

clingy_woman_relationship_mistakes_1

In my early dating stages, I can tell you – I was a wreck and my mouth posed to be an even bigger risk. I felt as if I had to tell a guy everything about me, my past, my future, my expectations along with my goals, dreams, fears, hurts, habits and hang-ups and this was just on the phone; we hadn’t even gotten to the first date yet. I used to wonder why I would either never get a call back or if they did call back, it wasn’t talks of going out on a date, it was because they were bored and I just seemed to be tfish and hookhe person they either wanted to vent too or just talk too. Yes, I was a good friend; but not a good partner for a relationship. I even had one guy to tell me that I reminded him of his grandmother – LIKE, REALLY???, I had to take a good look in the mirror on that one – was it my words of wisdom that had him traumatized?, whatever it was; it  didn’t garner a date and then again, I don’t think I would have wanted one with him after that comment. I also had an issue with not totally being myself; I tried to fix myself up to be whom I felt like the guy wanted me to be, I lost weight; dyed my hair; bought creams to make my skin lighter and even wore hair extensions to obtain a longer length of hair and I’m not going to even talk about other crazy things I would do and/or did just to obtain a guy’s attention….Trust me, as I’ve gotten older, those things weren’t worth my sanity nor time. I never fully let my hair down to be me, because I was trying to be with them. Over time of not “catching too many fish on the hook” I realized that there was one thing that was holding me back from getting a chance of having a date;  outside of not being myself,  I realized that MY MOUTH! was the ultimate hammer that nailed the coffin shut.  Yes, here I was talking marriage, babies, future and goals to someone whom I didn’t even get a chance to see if they were that interested in me or not; however, they knew I wasn’t’ the one for them.  So as a woman who was in limbo with dating, those experiences have garnered me to write out a couple of mistakes I made and that you may be making too. So, let’s get started with a couple of Do’s and Don’t s:

Dating TipsTip #1:  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THYSELF: I underlined & capitalized this for a reason. Please ladies, let’s show love to ourselves first. Love your curves, your mind, your choices. Just love you. I can’t tell you how many times, I jumped into a relationship looking for love but didn’t love myself. When you love you, then you take the pressure off of a guy having to force himself to love you back. When you love you – then everyone else will love you too and even if they don’t; guess what! Who Cares! because you love you and that’s the first and only thing that matters anyway.

Tip#2: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself:  Yes, that was a popular song in the 90’s but it’s even popular for us ladies. Listen to your gut, we know if we’re really ready for a relationship or not. Most of us still need a little fixing on the inside of us first before we are able to invite someone else in. If you have low-self esteem or are not comfortable with your weight, then I would suggest you try to fix those things  before entering into a relationship. Men like confident women and if you’re not displaying that, then the relationship will plummet before it takes off the runway.

Tip#3: No Need To Pack The Bags: When you’re on a date or before you even go on a date determine to leave the bags of the past in the past. A guy doesn’t need to know that you were once depressed, was suicidal, was married (unless it’s a topic of discussion) he doesn’t need to know about baby daddies and all those issues. Shh!, Keep those things to yourself (at least until you feel like the relationship is going somewhere after you’ve had enough dates with the person) A first date should be about you, career goals and aspirations. Not Drama! So keep that bag at home.

Tip#4: Knight In Shining Armor…Not!: Okay, so sometimes we ladies tend to get a little movie struck. We sometimes look at how relationships are played out in a movie and desire for that to happen in our own lives, let’s get real. It’s a Movie with actor and actresses whom are or were paid to act that way. They were reading a script. Just because the guy comes in with a cane, doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or just because he doesn’t look like your favorite actor, doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. Give everyone an opportunity. They just may surprise you.

Tip #5: Keep The Cookie In The Cookie Jar: Make sure your hormones are in check before you go on a date. There’s a number of people whom have sex on the first date and what’s even more common is the fact that it’s unprotected. Let a guy fall for your mind first, not what’s in your pants. Building a relationship based off of sex; usually does not last. When sex supersedes a conversation and becomes your first foundation; it’s hard to get back on track with a good convo. So keep the cookie under lock and key. Whatever decision you make regarding the individual you want to make sure it’s based on true emotion and not a sexual one in which could cloud your judgment immensely concerning the person, especially if he has a lot of red flags that require your full undivided attention.

And guys, I didn’t forget about you – the same effort you put into getting the “cookie” can also be the same effort you put into having a good, healthy relationship. Here are some tips for you to look over in order to get the Woman of your dreams and keep her long enough than a one-night stand: 5 Things Men Must Give Up, To Be With the Right Woman!

Do you have any dating tips you would like to share? List them in the comments so we can get a conversation going.