Soooo, lately I’ve been feeling pretty – let’s say “unaccomplished.” It seems like no matter what I do, I seem to be moving backwards instead of forwards. My writing if I can be honest has even been way off, everything that I try to say just seems to come out as “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH” sort of like the adults voice in a Charlie Brown episode almost gibberish so to speak. My mojo, aspirations, emotions and sync ALL ZAPPED!
When I pick up a pen to write…..it’s almost like it leaves my hand and goes elsewhere. I have to admit, this emotion didn’t happen overnight, It all started on a rainy day in November, the end of November to be exact, when my best friend; confidante; girl and a bag of pearls left me forever. She was my mom. I loved her sooo much, as a matter of fact – some of my writings have been based on her such as “The Ugly Duckling Experience”, “Give Like you Rich” & “Lord, I need your Help! I Think.”
She was my greatest inspiration and cheerleader; everything I did or accomplished; was because of her. I lived to make her proud but on November 29th I felt like all of my dreams and aspirations went out the window just as her last breath did. I remember getting the news at work and when I heard the words “Mama Passed this morning” from my sister, I went into a state of shock and disbelief. As I drove what seemed like forever to get to the hospital, my mind went into flashback mode of how she took care of me as a child and fast forwarded to the many things that she rooted and cheered me on about – even the things that weren’t so good.
I could talk to her about any and everything. She always told me “I don’t only want to be your mother, but I want to be your best friend” and that she was until God called her home. I really didn’t want to believe what the doctors were telling us about mama, they weren’t saying anything that they hadn’t said before and like all those other times – I felt like mama was going to pull through this, as she had always done previously. But this time was different…..
The doctors told us in the beginning that they give her 6 months; I ran with that – as Daddy was looking into second opinions and options and we as a family tried to put our heads together on what the next steps would be as far as her care was concerned. 6 months soon turned into 3 months; those months turned into two weeks. They told us that they give her Thanksgiving and that they really didn’t look for her to make it too or past that day but man’s extremity is just an opportunity for God to work. She not only lived to Thanksgiving, but she lived five days after it…I mean, what do Doctors really know – right?
When I got to the hospital; I remember walking into the room and just walked over and laid my body across hers; I cried and cried and cried – almost inconsolable. Why did she leave me? Why did God take her now? Why didn’t he heal her?…..so many questions flooded my mind as I laid across her lifeless body. My mom was a giver, she always gave her best and her last to everyone; she loved to see people smile. All the giving that my mom did in her life and right at the end of hers, I couldn’t give her what she needed to stay alive.
While for the last couple of months, I’ve been trying to cope with her being gone – it’s been quite an adjustment. I find myself looking back on her past text messages that she sent to me and read them over and over again. Yes, I think about her a lot. Sometimes I can’t believe that she’s really gone and think that maybe I’ll soon pick up my work phone or cell and hear her voice on the other end, telling me; she played a huge joke on me – as she would always state. “I’m a good actress” but I know in my heart that will not happen as the actress took her last bow.
So, I’ve been in what some would call a funk – it’s like I know what I’m supposed to be doing but can’t seem to really do it, if that makes sense. I talk to people and laugh and smile with them but on the inside, I feel so broken and incomplete. Yes, I’ve learned to put on a serious poker face. While mama is in a better place and deep on the inside of me, I’m really happy about that. I have to get out of this funk, I crawled myself into and fast. She always wanted the best for me and my state of mind is one thing I’m sure she would want me to get under control – “You gotta live too” she would say and she couldn’t be more right. I have to LIVE TOO!
Carolyn Annette Blackmon-Greene
10/22/1961 – 11/29/2016
Rest in Peace Mama a.k.a “Baby Mook”
Until we Chat Again, I Love You
You’re Always in my Heart!
Roshonda a.k.a “Mookie”
Have you ever gotten yourself into a Funk? A rough time in your life where you feel stuck, depressed or just discouraged? What did you do to get through your rough patch.
This blog post is a Q&A so please feel free to leave your comments below. We never know what the smiling faces of people that have broken hearts behind them may be dealing with. Let’s help each other and others whom may befacing a serious Funk!