Author: Roshonda B

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been the go-to girl for advice, encouragement, upliftment and secrets, which somehow get twisted into things I didn’t say or do; but anyway that’s another story. While I can vividly remember those instances very well, something else came to my attention that I was totally unaware of – I’m also the go back to girl, when relationships go sour for, let’s just say former boyfriends. It’s like they get an Epiphany or something and next thing I know; they’re searching me out for “A stroll down memory lane” and a “I wish we had just got together and made it work” – Well, it wouldn’t have worked because at that particular time; while my mind was captivated on them, their mind was caught up on someone else.

It’s amazing how people see things “AFTER” they have been through the ringer with someone else, Now they realize how sweet you were, Now they realize how good you were, Now they realize that you really were the good one, Now they realize “Hey, your looks weren’t that bad”, Now they realize how “Perfect” you really were for them – But that “NOW” is too late. In the past I would have thought this type of behavior or rhetoric was acceptable, I would have thought that maybe now this was my chance for us to be together after all these years and God somehow sent them back to me for us to start the life we should have had from the beginning and we can live happily ever after in a great neighborhood with a white picket fence…Aww! Life is so grand…….NOT!!!

Basically, what I was to them was the leftovers – While leftovers are good; just keep in mind that it’s good as far as FOOD  is concerned, not real life. You’re not some food in a plate that someone has had enough of, only to be put in the fridge and return to it within the next day or week. I have realized that I’m better than that and should not be required to be someone’s last resort, but their FIRST priority! and so should you; this is not only in relationships but also in life.

These incidences seem to happen to me quite often, however; it was a situation that happened a couple of days ago that really got me to thinking about my worth and how priceless and valuable I really am. I was in an on again, off again relationship with this guy a couple of years ago; I really liked him and of course what I’m “most popular” for and known to do most is “Rescue” my potentials out of disaster, I’m there to lend a helping hand, build them up where they are down and give them a new approach on life, I try to be the best person they’ve ever had in their life by focusing on their good points and not their bad points; in which is what went on with this relationship; Well, after giving them all of what I had to build them up; they’re self-esteem boosted and they left me to be with someone else and eventually got married…Wow! Talk about a slap in the face, there they were all boosted up and there I was “yet again” all worn out because I had nothing else to give after I gave them everything….hope….joy….encouragement and most of all LOVE.

A couple of years go by and I get a text out of the blue “Can you talk?” – Now mind you, I’ve ran into this individual on many occasions and while it was always refreshing to see them; I had moved on, picked up my bootstraps and built myself back up – But when I got the text, I was somewhat surprised. After calling them, I found out that they were separated; going through a divorce and wanted someone to talk too and hang out with; “I realized, you were a good person” they said, “I realized, you were good to me” & Blah, Blah, Blah; I’ve heard it all before. As they were engaging in the best times of “What we had Past tense” I began to visualize that leftover plate in the refrigerator that  no one remembered until they realized there was nothing else left to eat on, so they decided to settle with what was left over, which is really not what’s wanted; because if they had another option they would choose it, but because they don’t “They settle” for what they do have.

I continued to let them talk and when the conversation was over, they vowed to keep in touch because they wanted us to hang out. I instead told them that I didn’t think that would be a good idea and ended the conversation. In Life, I’ve come to the realization of this – If it was Gods intention for things to happen or even for you to be with someone, trust me; God is very intelligent and would have allowed it to happen in the time that it should have happened and in most cases it could have been of God, but when people fail to follow Gods instructions for their life which also includes being with the person God chose for you; that’s when things get complicated and we veer off the road to live the life that “we” created; not the life that God intended.

That’s how people get confused and have regrets of the past because they never took out time to follow the necessary instructions – that’s why “Sometimes They Come Back” happens because they are trying to go back to the place in which they should have been at all along – But at that time, it’s too late to make changes, too late to say what you should’da, could’da and would’da done – it’s too late to start over.

If someone is coming back into your life, after being MIA for a long time – Consult the Lord on your direction; because depending on where we are in life, their “comeback” may seem like it’s right on time or it’s of God; but usually when someone suddenly “reappears” back in your life it’s often when you’re at your happiest and when things have begun to look up for you; be careful because the enemy just may be bringing them back into your life as a distraction in which conjures up old feelings and past experiences; this interaction will only take you back to the past because that’s all they know & while those good times “of memories lost” may put a smile on your face for the moment – be wise, check their language and watch the signs as it just may be a stumbling block to keep you from moving forward to the individual whom is really meant to be with you. Remember, you’re not the leftovers in the fridge, the maid or the butler whose job is to pick up something that someone else left behind; you were created to be first choice.

In Life sometimes they may come back, but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it; Take it from me, you’re better than that. Seek to be someone’s first Priority, Not their Last Resort & by all means don’t be afraid to say NO!

Know your WORTH! Because it’s truly PRICELESS ~

This is a topic that I believe whether you’re a “firm” believer or “not” you can either relate too or know someone that has experienced “CHURCH HURT” – which happens to be the worst hurt you will ever feel probably in your entire existence here on earth, Why? Because we expect “church” people to be different from the world; we expect them to be loyal and nice. When our families turn their back’s on us – we expect the church people to step in and become that true family that we never had…but most of the times what we find out is that they are much more worse than our family; it is at that point where we find ourselves caught in the middle of which side to really trust.

If you took a poll today on why people do not attend church – about 95% of the survey will reveal that most of them were hurt in the church; some have been hurt so bad until they refuse to go back to their church, they begin to ward off every christian and the possibility of attending or joining other churches in the process. This is the reason T.V. evangelism has become so popular as most feel comfortable with just staying home and visiting the T.V.; listening to the latest ministry craze. The world is made up of imperfect people and sad to say or contrary to popular belief, those same “imperfect” people reside within the church too.

The most common mistake people make when they either join, enter or become friends with people in church (especially if those people hold and office or have the title of a Bishop, Pastor, Evangelist and etc) we immediately begin to put them on a pedestal; we begin to praise them for every right and nail them to the cross for every wrong, we make them perfect in our minds and put them up in the ranks where only God is suppose to sit; we look up to them, we aspire to be like them, talk like them, act like them , walk like them – we initially exchange God for them because we can see and feel them. We might even began to believe that maybe God has given them to us in exchange for him; until he returns. But as soon as they do something we don’t like, they act in a way in which we know they shouldn’t act, they lie to us or live outside of what our perfect mind of them says they should live like – Then that’s where church hurt begins.

I’ve had friends and family whom experienced church hurt, I’ve experienced a great deal of it myself and I have to say, it doesn’t feel good. We think because people are in church that they’re suppose to act a certain way – Be nice, kind, comforting, cordial, friendly, helpful, guide and lead by Godly example and endure trials with a smile and a pep in their step; what we find is that they’re rude, obnoxious, self-seekers, liars, deceivers, gossipers, kick you while you’re down, ungrateful, backstabbing, judging cheaters – WOW! not the type of words you’d expect to be said about “church people” – But they’re IMPERFECT, just as we all are. The bible tells us to be PERFECT as Christ is Perfect, it didn’t say these individuals we look up too would be PERFECTED! as none of us will be completely that until Jesus returns –  whether it’s a Pastor/Bishop or lay-member we’re all striving to live out perfection everyday including your “favorite” ministers.

One thing you must remember, when we stand before God on judgment day we “ALL” have to give an account of our own individual sins, issues, hurts, habits and hang-ups this includes you and the people that caused the hurt. On that day – a person’s churchly title will not  matter as we all will be standing before the True Perfect King and give an account for what we’ve all done and said…Good or Bad.

Over coming church hurt or a church’s negativity doesn’t happen overnight, you can’t keep yourself away from the church with the promise to return after everyone has repented, apologized or come to grips that they’re the one’s causing the hurt and pain – that’s not going to happen. You have to make a decision on whom you are truly serving – The People or God; If it’s God, then let him deal with people and let him work on you.

A Few Main Tips to Avoid Church Hurt ~

• Listen more than you Talk – Every church is made up of cliques and they’re not all Godly, for most times they are the one’s keeping up the most static. In listening you learn people’s ways and motives; some are noticed right away while others have mastered hiding their true character. Pray and Ask God to lead you to whom you should talk too.
• Focus on YOU! – You can’t help what other people are doing and not doing; God has gifted you and you can’t waste that gift on putting your attention on negativity or other peoples issues. Let God perfect your gift, use it to the best of your ability and soon, God will move you if the environment you’re in is not right. God may have you in that space to teach you or work something out of you, If you can work through the negative; God will honor that and move you where you truly need to be.
• Don’t Stop Going – You might not want too, but you must stay in church because if you go elsewhere you will be encountered by the same people that you left; in which are guaranteed to be at the next church – TRUST ME – it may be a different church with different people but the negative spirit will remain the same. Let God move you, Not People..

We’re all imperfect trying to live out perfection before a PERFECT King, I don’t know what church hurt you might have experienced in the past or may be going through right now, but just know this and it might be a struggle right now, depending on how deeply embedded your hurt is – Ask God to re-direct your FOCUS off of them and onto HIM! Begin to focus on your talents and gifting’s and work in that until GOD tells you to move. We are not equipped to put anyone in heaven or  hell – Only God can do that, In the meantime Love them, Pray for them and let God do his job in healing you completely.

Will the Real Christian stand up Please?, If it’s not in them, Let it be shown in YOU!

When I was 20yrs old I took on a job working as a C.N.A, It took me 7 times to pass the test to take a “crash” course of two weeks. Once I began working the job, I quickly noticed the many patients at the time whom were either very ill, lonely, some were talkative and others were very rude and mean. Once an adult and twice a child – that’s what my mom would always say and I never really understood what that truly meant until I started working in that environment. As the months drove by and I began to get to know the patients more and more, I began to think how lonely some of them were – no family visits, no friends or other relatives to come and see them; some were put there by relatives whom never came to see them again and for some that anticipated visit hadn’t happened in over 10-20 years. The stories most of them would tell you would be of happy times, while others were painful and you always knew when those times were; because they would become combative, dazed or simply just shut-down altogether.

There was this one lady in particular whom I loved talking too, Ms. Seven (I called her that because she always had seven soda’s in her refrigerator – seven was really all that could fit in there; she was just as sweet as she wanted to be, very manner-able and always asked me if I wanted a soda pop when I entered her room; she was one of my easy patients because she had great mobility and could help you some that was a fairly difficult issue with others. I quickly noticed that the other girls didn’t want to work with her; they sited her as difficult and said mean things about her; but she wasn’t that way with me.

One day as I started my shift, I had to work a hall with a partner – this wasn’t unusual as most of us worked double shifts at times in which would afford you to work any hall you wanted once your regular shift started, I had an easy hall that day and so she offered to work with me. She had been there for quite some time and began to tell me about the history of the patients there, most I knew of as I had heard other girls talk about it; but when she started talking about Ms. Seven – I felt uncomfortable because I couldn’t believe the woman that I looked forward to seeing everyday did such horrible things – “She hate Blacks” the girl told me – She got several of us fired; she served on the KKK back in the day, she was one of the women whom helped hurt African-Americans – she went on to say that Ms. Seven was a social worker whom threw applications that belonged to a colored families away, she would shred them and tell them their application was denied while she fared Caucasians and gave them a free pass.

I didn’t know why she decided to tell me this, but I immediately began to think about Ms. Seven and how she cried a many days because of the way she said her family treated her and how the people that took care of her treated her; she complained because when she needed someone the most, no one was there for her – the only thing they ever brought her was a case of soda’s in which she would ask me to put 7 in the fridge, I later came to realize that the 7 represented her family members in whom she loved so dearly, A family that didn’t seem to care enough to love her back – She was so frail, small and weak – her hair was very thin to the point you could see her scalp, her legs were twisted; so much so she couldn’t get up to walk, she was confined in a bed at all times – the pain she would be in if you touched her and the screams she let out when you bathed her was unimaginable.

It wasn’t long after that I began to ask other girls to do Ms. Seven’s room; to take care of her and when I would work a double shift, I never asked to get that hall again – mainly because one of the girls said that she reported her for stealing one of her soda’s the rest mainly because of what I was told – Ms. Seven would ask for me but I wouldn’t go to her room; finally one day a girl needed help with her and I went in with her, I was told not to say anything to her because she had been telling wrong things on the colored girls, Once I walked into the room the look on Ms. Seven’s face when she saw me was such sheer delight and enjoyment – a look that I will never forget, she went to talking about how much she missed me and where had I been…but I didn’t say a word – which hurt me a little. Amidst the silence of us two girls, I assume Ms. Seven got to realizing that we weren’t going to talk to her and she became quiet; the delightful look she gave me when I entered the room had become a look of sadness and disappointment.

As I left the room and stood in the hall as the other girl was cleaning things up, I looked at Ms. Seven; the look she gave me was filled with such pain, hurt and confusion and the next thing I knew; the door was closing between us. She never asked nor spoke to me again. After a year, I left and found other employment – on my last day; I went by Ms. Seven’s room but didn’t go in, I bypassed the door and left that place behind that night to never think of it again.

I always wanted to tell Ms. Seven what I heard about her, how I felt about it or question her to ask if those things I heard was really true or not – I didn’t give her an opportunity to tell her side of the story; like so many others in that place, I too had shut down and just decided not to speak to her again; based on what someone else had told me. Sometimes in life we will be faced with obstacles like this one; Situations that come to our lap that someone may think or feel about someone else and at that time you will have to make a decision on whether you will continue to be who you are or allow someone else to determine who you should be and that day, I decided I would be whom someone wanted me to be which was “SILENT”

Many years later, I thought about Ms. Seven and began to look her up, only to find out that she had passed away a year after I had left. Sometimes I wonder how things would have been had I had talked with her that night; in a world where she felt like she didn’t have anyone – She felt like she had found a friend in me.  It shouldn’t have mattered what she had done or didn’t do in her past life, I should have been the light amongst those other girls – a light that she had originally seen in the beginning that became dimmed and blown out in the end.

In today’s society we’re so quick to judge people based on someone else’s thought and/or perceptions. God could have judged us based off of perception, but he didn’t – he sent his son anyway to die on our behalf; even though people still don’t like nor worship him today. He never judged us by how we would feel about him or what our past and current circumstance revealed about us but rather how so very much he loved and cared for us. LOVE made him do what he did; isn’t that AMAZING!?!

Don’t wait too late to get things right with people and don’t listen to what others have to say about an individual; get to know them for yourself. I didn’t comprehend this at the time but God is looking for Life Changers and not people whom are committed to being in the same boat with others of the same like minds and spirits; we already have too many of them running around.

Will you decide to be a LIFE CHANGER or create a LIFE CRISIS – Think about it.

I’ve been working in professional offices since I was 21yrs of age and I have to say, I’ve learned quite a bit about the working world, life, people and MYSELF! I wasn’t as polished as I am now when I first started out, I was as some would call very ROUGH around the edges; but I felt like I knew everything in the WORLD. You couldn’t tell me different – because I didn’t want to hear it…

I fought every one whom tried to tell me to do this or that better, I fought the ones whom seemed to find everything wrong with every “professional” letter I had written. So what if it said “We want to invite you” instead of “We would like to invite you” – who’s really reading that stuff anyway? I fought people when they felt I didn’t look professional enough, certain offices require you to wear certain attire, but you couldn’t have told me that. Anyone that went against what I wanted, what I created, what I said or how I felt was up for grabs by me to get a poked out lip, an “I quit, I don’t want to do this anymore” or every customer would suffer, because of my antics about what I “felt” should happen. And let’s not talk about job duties, I only did what I was hired to do and complained when asked to do even the slightest bit more; they don’t pay me enough, I thought…

After having quit many jobs and failing miserably at others, I had to come to grips one day and tell myself – What is it that you really want out of life? Bad attitudes and wanting things your way, don’t pay the bills or put gas in the car and food on the table. It was then that I realized that I had to pull it together or I would continue to fail at everything I called myself trying to accomplish; what I failed to see was THE BIG PICTURE! Of Life.

Once I shaped up and it took a while, I began to see things from a career perspective instead of my perspective; when I chose to look at things from a different angle it was then that my attitude changed toward the issues I was facing on my job at the time; what I didn’t realize is that the things that people and/or supervisors were asking me to do were minor to major things that I could improve on in my working career in which spilled over into how I dealt with issues concerning my own personal life.

When work became harder and I was asked to do things outside of my original job duties (because a lot of time we will be asked to do those things) I chalked it up as something extra I could put on my resume because now I have experience in doing that new thing. A lot of times we go through many things on our jobs that may not seem too good in the beginning but if we learn to look at the BIG PICTURE of it, the small things we have to endure now are the things that turn closed doors into open doors later.

In Exodus 2: 11-22 we learn of the story of Moses, Moses was put in a basket that drifted down the Nile River and onto the back door of an Egyptian Princess, in whom longed for a child. While Moses was not the true blood relative of royalty, they treated him as if he were – he grew up “rich” just like they were and they loved and favored him. And while Moses had learned the laws of the Egyptians; his heart bled Hebrew blood, once Moses’s true identity was revealed he was cast out of the Egyptian house; where he had been sheltered and thrown in the desert to die. But God had other plans for him – he later married, had a child and became a shepherd of sheep until one day God caught his attention through a burning bush that never burned up, it was then that his BIG PICTURE for all the trials he had went through were going to come together. Moses had experienced the good life and a mediocre life – Moses could not have very well lead the children of Israel out of Egypt had he still been among them in all his glory, what he learned during that time was good; but he had to learn how to lead, he still had more training, pruning and cultivating that needed to be done in his own life. Moses had to become a shepherd of sheep in order to become a shepherd of people and all the things he went through during that time period prepared him to do just that.

There are many things in your life right now that are going on that you may not necessarily agree with or think it’s fair (Trust me, I’ve Been there) – But I do believe that everything happens for a reason, it’s all a test for the next journey to take place in our life and how we succeed at it the first time will determine how we deal with it when it comes into our path again.

Every job that I’ve had was always a preparation for the next job, which was easier to handle because I had dealt with it at a previous job. Life is Trial and Error, we will make mistakes and many times throw in the towel promising not to ever do or deal with that issue again; but just know that God has you in that circle/space for such a time as this. You’re not going through that task for nothing – You’re going through it because up the road you’re going to have to know how to handle a greater situation like it.

In my early life, I would have never thought that I would one day be a supervisor – I definitely couldn’t have been one with the attitude I possessed in my early years; that would have been a train wreck and I would have been wrecking other people’s lives in the process. While , I’m not perfect as I’m still learning, pruning, cultivating, watering and processing everything daily, I will say this, I would not be where I am now had I not taken the time to look at the BIG PICTURE OF LIFE, It’s by the grace of God that I made it this far. What BIG PICTURE are you refusing to see in your life today?…Once you decide what it is, think about what things you can change in your life now, that will make the BIGGEST difference tomorrow, next week, next month or even a year from now.

Because everything that we do and go through at this very moment in time, has an even BIGGER PICTURE attached to it…